Ridiculous interviews

During the course of my quest to gain employment, I have run up against some of the strangest interview questions. Below are actual questions I’ve been asked and the answers I (wish) gave.

1. What motives you?

Money, Bob. I need money to feed my face and house my big ass. If you’re not willing to throw money my way, than I’m not willing to throw you my best effort.

2. What de-motivates you?

Is that even a word? Geez, Bob, what genius came up with that question? Well, my answer is you Bob. You de-motivate me.

3. Explain to me a time you were working on a project and then a supervisor gave you another project that they had halfway completed and you had to finish.

What the fuck are you talking about Bob? Do I look like a project machine? A project for me is getting my asshole neighbor to stop feeding squirrels because it leads to a big squirrel population in my back yard. While trying to complete that I may have to stop to yell at my other idiot neighbor who won’t stop parking in my parking spot. Since neither of these things have had a positive conclusion, I’ll let you make your own determination about me and projects.

4. Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

If I were being honest here, Bob, I would say that in 5 years I would like to see myself either married to a rich man or having my babies’ daddy supporting me with a child support check. Work is hard work, Bob, and I’m not really interested in it. I don’t care about people and I don’t care about your company’s profits. I just want money any way I can get it with the least amount of work output.

5. Tell me about a time you had a conflict with a co-worker.

Let me tell you Bob, I'm always having conflicts with co-workers. No one works as hard as me and no one should be paid more than me. Also, no woman should get pregnant while employed, it just fucks up my schedule. I don't care if your baby kept you up all night. You chose to have your baby and come to work.... deal with it. I also would like to banish flip flops or open toed shoes in the workplace. People have nasty ass toes and I've found they don't like to be told about it.

6. We'll let you know either way if we want to hire you.

Sure you will Bob. You can take that big ass lie and shove it up your shit hole. Have a great day.